'My husband has spent our 30-year marriage watching porn…
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Q My husband and I haven't had sex for about ten years.
I haven't minded because he treats me badly and I haven't fancied him for longer than that. We're in our 60s and for most of our married life of 30 years all he's been interested in is porn.
Recently, it's got to the point where he's been watching it until so l ate at night he can barely get up for work the next day.
We hardly ever talk to each other. He views women in their 20s, and I wonder how he can when our daughters are that age.
Our relationship is dead but I don't care because I have plenty of friends and interests.
However, I do worry about our daughters. Although both have boyfriends who seem nice on the surface, I don't want either of them to marry - because all men are the same.
They will end up miserable like me, trapped in a loveless marriage.
How can I persuade them that their careers are more important than men? I never had a career; I work in a supermarket for a low wage and I'm stuck.
A It is so sad to hear from people who have spent years in unhappy marriages which they have felt unable to leave or to address the problems with their partner.
You have put up with so much for so long.
Are you sure you want this to continue for the rest of your life?
Porn addiction is very damaging to a relationship. It is devastating to feel your husband is no longer interested in you, but happy to look at other women.
My advice is to tell your husband how unhappy you are and have been for some time in your marriage.
Say that his porn addiction is destroying not just his life but yours too - and that you won't put up with it any more; either he seeks help or you will leave.
If you feel unable to divorce because of practicalities or fear, アジアのポルノ then you could live an independent life within the marriage - and no one would blame you if you met someone else who made you feel desirable again.
'We're in our 60s and for most of our married life of 30 years all he's been interested in is porn' (File image)
The Association for the Treatment of Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity (atsac.org.uk) can help you to find support for yourself and treatment for your husband.
Or he could try the online course for sex/porn addiction at pivotalrecovery.org.
But please don't put your daughters off long-term relationships. In my experience, people who concentrate solely on their careers don't necessarily find happiness either.
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The rise of online porn is deeply concerning, but all men are not the same. So talk to them honestly, explain what has gone on in your marriage and let them know it is not normal.
I expect that they are all too aware of their father's habit.
Although it's aimed at teenagers, you might also find internetmatters.org useful for advice on how to talk to your daughters about porn.
If he has more children it will be a disaster
Q I am really worried about my brother.
He's 54 and he recently left his devastated wife and children for a much younger woman - she's in her mid 30s - and he keeps saying that he is happier than he has ever been.
His marriage wasn't perfect but I think he's in cloud-cuckoo-land.
This new woman is nice enough but they don't have anything in common and she is clearly desperate to have children of her own.
It would be a financial disaster for him to have more children and I'm worried my lovely nephew and niece, who are in their late teens, would feel replaced.
As his elder sister, do I say anything or will this just push him into a rash decision?
'My brother's new wife is nice enough but they don't have anything in common and she is clearly desperate to have children of her own' (File image)
A I can understand your concern for your nephew and niece.
It can be hard for children of a first marriage to cope with a parent's new baby. Sometimes, when people leave a relationship in which they have been unhappy for a long time, the feeling of freedom can initially create a sense of euphoria when they meet someone new.
This is often a ‘transitional' relationship - it gives them the impetus to end an unhappy marriage - but usually doesn't last.
It may be, of course, that this woman turns out to be the love of your brother's life. However, it is likely that euphoria and lust are clouding his judgment.
Talk to him gently. Be careful not to show disapproval, nor to be critical of his new love.
Instead, tell him how much you like her but ask one or two subtle questions about the realities of having more children and what his son and daughter would think. Hopefully, this will give him pause for thought.
I haven't minded because he treats me badly and I haven't fancied him for longer than that. We're in our 60s and for most of our married life of 30 years all he's been interested in is porn.
Recently, it's got to the point where he's been watching it until so l ate at night he can barely get up for work the next day.
We hardly ever talk to each other. He views women in their 20s, and I wonder how he can when our daughters are that age.
Our relationship is dead but I don't care because I have plenty of friends and interests.
However, I do worry about our daughters. Although both have boyfriends who seem nice on the surface, I don't want either of them to marry - because all men are the same.
They will end up miserable like me, trapped in a loveless marriage.
How can I persuade them that their careers are more important than men? I never had a career; I work in a supermarket for a low wage and I'm stuck.
A It is so sad to hear from people who have spent years in unhappy marriages which they have felt unable to leave or to address the problems with their partner.
You have put up with so much for so long.
Are you sure you want this to continue for the rest of your life?
Porn addiction is very damaging to a relationship. It is devastating to feel your husband is no longer interested in you, but happy to look at other women.
My advice is to tell your husband how unhappy you are and have been for some time in your marriage.
Say that his porn addiction is destroying not just his life but yours too - and that you won't put up with it any more; either he seeks help or you will leave.
If you feel unable to divorce because of practicalities or fear, アジアのポルノ then you could live an independent life within the marriage - and no one would blame you if you met someone else who made you feel desirable again.
'We're in our 60s and for most of our married life of 30 years all he's been interested in is porn' (File image)
The Association for the Treatment of Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity (atsac.org.uk) can help you to find support for yourself and treatment for your husband.
Or he could try the online course for sex/porn addiction at pivotalrecovery.org.
But please don't put your daughters off long-term relationships. In my experience, people who concentrate solely on their careers don't necessarily find happiness either.
RELATED ARTICLES
Share this article
Share
The rise of online porn is deeply concerning, but all men are not the same. So talk to them honestly, explain what has gone on in your marriage and let them know it is not normal.
I expect that they are all too aware of their father's habit.
Although it's aimed at teenagers, you might also find internetmatters.org useful for advice on how to talk to your daughters about porn.
If he has more children it will be a disaster
Q I am really worried about my brother.
He's 54 and he recently left his devastated wife and children for a much younger woman - she's in her mid 30s - and he keeps saying that he is happier than he has ever been.
His marriage wasn't perfect but I think he's in cloud-cuckoo-land.
This new woman is nice enough but they don't have anything in common and she is clearly desperate to have children of her own.
It would be a financial disaster for him to have more children and I'm worried my lovely nephew and niece, who are in their late teens, would feel replaced.
As his elder sister, do I say anything or will this just push him into a rash decision?
'My brother's new wife is nice enough but they don't have anything in common and she is clearly desperate to have children of her own' (File image)
A I can understand your concern for your nephew and niece.
It can be hard for children of a first marriage to cope with a parent's new baby. Sometimes, when people leave a relationship in which they have been unhappy for a long time, the feeling of freedom can initially create a sense of euphoria when they meet someone new.
This is often a ‘transitional' relationship - it gives them the impetus to end an unhappy marriage - but usually doesn't last.
It may be, of course, that this woman turns out to be the love of your brother's life. However, it is likely that euphoria and lust are clouding his judgment.
Talk to him gently. Be careful not to show disapproval, nor to be critical of his new love.
Instead, tell him how much you like her but ask one or two subtle questions about the realities of having more children and what his son and daughter would think. Hopefully, this will give him pause for thought.
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